11 3 / 2012
Facebook will soon force us all to have the timeline and you will have to choose a banner image. Be prepared and know what your timeline banner says about you:
1) Cityscapes - You are from the town or country and still enamored with your new urban environment. You’re the kind of person who thinks you can make it on Broadway just because you moved to New York City. Only a few more years of riding trains that stink of urine and working a job that barely covers the rent of your shithole apartment and you’ll curse the skyline that you never see because you’re too poor to live, work, or party downtown.
2) Landscapes - You are from the city and take pride in your eco-friendly, pretentious lifestyle that allows you to vacation in nature. You are vegan and decry animal cruelty but have never milked a cow or seen the birth of a piglet or been attacked by a goat.
3) Beach - You are nostalgic for summer because it is cold where you are. You are presenting yourself as peaceful and contemplative, fancying yourself to be a modern day Thoreau.
4) Your pet - You are probably single, but please consider getting a kid because a domesticated animal does not deserve the obsessive attention you are lavishing upon it. It’s nice that you feed it and give it a home and all, but does it really need a knitted sweater and booties? Does it deserve the hell of being your mute therapist? Do you need to oppress your facebook friends with endless photos of a boring, expressionless creature?
5) Food - You can cook like a rock star. Those vegetables are seasoned with an obscure spice from Whole Foods. The mouthwatering aroma of that pie reaches deep into the crevices of the interwebs. You’re probably a responsible, productive human being but you are cruelly torturing all of your domestically-challenged friends.
6) Drinks - The majority of your photos feature head shots of you and your most attractive friends making duck faces at a skanky club.
7) An artsy photo of yourself (in addition to your profile picture) - You are vain. The question is, do you have a friend who is equally and creepily as fascinated with your body/face or are you just an expert at the self timing feature of your expensive camera?
8) No banner picture - You are an old who doesn’t understand facebook.
9) Cheesy artwork about love or friendship - You are a tween female.
10) Your friends - You are pleased with yourself for having friends, or at least appearing to be a socially successful person. That is the entire point of facebook, so hey, way to operate within expected patterns of behavior.
Shout out the brilliant author of On or Off Again for inspiring/requesting this blog post.
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